Rejected by God
I was always the type of girl to shy away from love in fear of hurt and rejection. I convinced myself that I didn't need love; it wasn't something worth having. Deep down, I truly felt that it was I who wasn't worthy of love, not the other way around.
I grew up always liking that guy, you know, the one that never likes the girl back. I would risk my pride, telling my crushes that I liked them, only to have them laugh in my face. I spent a lot of time, blaming myself; thinking I just wasn't good enough.
The feeling of rejection is sometimes even stronger than the feeling of loss. Then again, isn't rejection and loss the same? When I was rejected by those many boys, I lost something. I lost my confidence, my pride, and my hope in future relationships. I convinced myself that a relationship was something I didn't even want. And marriage? Pffff! I wasn't getting married!
Then something happened that changed me. I fell in love with a pastor, one God had used to minister to my soul. Surely, if God brought this guy into my life, He'd allow him to love me, right? It had to be what God was up to; it made perfect sense. And so, I fell deeply in love with this guy from afar. Sure, he lived in a different state, but wasn't God capable of the impossible? I believed God would give me that miracle, I just knew He would. I even prayed and told The Lord that I wouldn't lose hope in loving this man unless he ended up putting a ring on another girl's finger.
Two days later, God answered my prayer, but not how I thought He would. My crush introduced his girlfriend on a social media website in a manner that meant he'd either proposed to her or was about to. Deep inside, I had my confirmation: this man wasn't for me.
But, did he reject me like all the other guys had? No. Instead, I felt as if was God who had rejected me. It was God who said 'no' to me! He knew how much I wanted this pastor and He still said 'no'!
I went back to my old mind frame, thinking that God told me 'no' because He didn't think I was good enough to marry a pastor. Why else would He reject me? Well, it took a while before I truly understood His reasons.
Sometimes, God says 'no' so that He can say yes to something even greater. Sometimes heartbreak is that push we need in order to move into the right direction and calling that God has for us.
All of the heartbreak, dealing with guys who'd never see my worth, losing sense of my own worth, and being rejected by God caused a shift to occur within myself. That woman who I'd always wished I'd be began to come out.
I started to cook more, and The Good Lord knows I didn't cook. I started taking better care of myself. I started seeking God more, desiring to know His will for my life. Most of all, I learned to trust in God, even if He did slay me.
Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
God must break us down to build us back up.
If rejection is what I need in order to become a better woman of God, then Lord, reject me again and again! If rejection teaches me how to handle future rejection with my head held high, then Lord, reject me again and again. If I am rejected by the very thing that I want because there is something better that awaits, then Lord, reject me again and again.
Rejection builds character, makes us stronger, and puts us in the position we need to be in so that, when the time comes and The Lord chooses not to reject our desires, we will be ready!
Jeremiah 31:28-And it shall come to pass, that like as I have watched over them, to pluck up, and to break down, and to throw down, and to destroy, and to afflict; so will I watch over them, to build, and to plant, saith the Lord.
So Lord, make me ready, even if You must break me down, even if You must reject me.
I know that everything You do is in love and for my good and so I will continue to trust in You.
ALL GLORY TO GOD!
